As I know many do, I struggle with feeling like “enough.”
I often tell myself it is a healthy side-effect of my penchant for self-improvement.
In reality, though, I know it’s rooted in a feeling of inadequacy.
Recently, I took to Instagram with a little philosophy on my love for editing, and its dark side: Nothing ever feels like it’s enough.
At its core, this feeling can be traced back to two things: my perfectionism and self-comparison.
Try as I might–and do–, I don’t think I’ve ever truly escaped these, even when my main focus had to be Evan’s health.
I think the first time I noticed it was when my friend brought up doing a benefit to help us with the expenses we have related to Evan’s care and our having to stay in the city to be with him. I instantly felt uncomfortable with it, pointing out that we have it better than a lot of people.
She had to remind me that there was still a lot we were going through and a lot of ways people could help.
My sister brought up fundraising to me as well, and I finally agreed after quite a bit of mental dialogue and convincing. We had a GoFundMe page and a t-shirt fundraiser, and I still feel uneasy, although endlessly thankful, about them, even months later.
Why? All the thoughts. The guilt that people were helping us when there are certainly other people who needed help more. The comparison of how “bad” we have it versus the kids waiting for transplants or with all sorts of other needs around us. The fear of being judged for accepting people’s help.
Basically, not feeling like our struggle made us–OK, me–deserving of things. Plain and simple, I wasn’t enough.
I don’t like being a person who judges others, and, I’ve realized, when I feel like I’m not enough, what I’m really doing is judging myself.
So, I’m trying to embrace that some things just are and there is no use or purpose in comparing or judging, especially when it comes to myself. I’m discovering that, the more uncomfortable something makes me, the more likely it is that I’m judging and need to take a step back.
We all feel like we’re not enough sometimes, but I’m going to take some time today to just appreciate what things are, and I hope you will too.